for 18 years
the floor of my home
has fitted my footprints
the buzz of the fridge a perfect third
above the buzz of my head
i have moulded into my house
part of the furniture
and it smells like a safe pair of hands
ready to catch me each evening
tomorrow, i will live somewhere else
i don't know if i will bend into its shape
i don't know if the stairs will creak
in particular places
i won;t know if there's a loose tile in the hallway
i am ready, and i am excited to find out
but i am also sad
to be leaving the place that has seen me
break, grow, mend, on repeat
taught me to walk, cook, clean, hurt, heal, smile
i will live many places in my life
but none will feel to me quite like this one does
Tuesday, 3 October 2017
Thursday, 28 September 2017
freshers | 29.09.17
I've been living in Bristol at uni for nearly 3 weeks now, and it's about a million miles from the experience I was expecting.
I'm at UWE Bristol studying Politics and International Relations, which - first of all - is not where I expected to be at all 6 weeks ago. Having not quite made my first or insurance uni choices, I went through clearing with 3 Bs in my A Levels, and have found myself here. Luckily, though, it seems to have been a good decision.
My first week in Bristol was one of the hardest I have had in a while. Unfortunately for me, I was the only one of the 3 people living in my flat to arrive when I did, so while the rest of my building (and seemingly the rest of Bristol) were meeting their flatmates, spending their nights at flat parties or out at Lakota or Thekla, I was holed up by myself in an empty flat, living solely on pasta and pesto. Needless to say, I was quite unhappy for that first week.
Finally, the next weekend rolled around, and my lovely flatmates moved in! I immediately felt better, as at this point it was just nice to see someone when I walked into the kitchen to make a cup of tea. Or pasta and pesto. That hasn't changed yet. My second week was spent getting to know my flatmates, going to induction lectures and freshers' fairs, and finally experiencing a little of the Bristol nightlife. Now, I would describe my attitude to going out-out as fairly average. I'm not adverse to a good night out, however my anxious disposition can mean that sometimes I literally cannot think of anything worse. Throughout official freshers week, I managed an impressive total of 2 nights out, and 1 trip to the pub. This feels perfectly adequate to me. My favourite night of the week has to have been Saturday night at Propaganda at the Fleece. While I can appreciate that the grime-y thing is a massive thing in Bristol, I've got to admit that it's not really my thing - indie bangers and cheesy pop classics however? Yes please.
My third week, which I'm currently coming to the end of, has mainly consisted of meeting and getting to know the people on my course, and getting to grips with the already overwhelming amount of READING that is involved. I know I shouldn't be surprised - but there is so much I have to READ! That being said, the course modules look insanely interesting and I can't wait to get stuck into them.
In terms of missing home, it was definitely at its most intense during my first week. Being sat in an empty flat in a city that didn't feel like home with no one I knew anywhere near was incredibly difficult. Luckily, though, I was able to see my girlfriend a few times throughout the week. Since meeting my flatmates, starting my course, and getting into routine, though, I've definitely settled in more. I'm still looking forward to heading back to the 'diff in a few weeks though - back over the bridge onto the Welsh soil.
Overall, my first three weeks as a uni student in Bristol have been fairly positive, but not without their difficulties. I'm looking forward to getting properly settled, and seeing where the next 3 years take me!
I'm at UWE Bristol studying Politics and International Relations, which - first of all - is not where I expected to be at all 6 weeks ago. Having not quite made my first or insurance uni choices, I went through clearing with 3 Bs in my A Levels, and have found myself here. Luckily, though, it seems to have been a good decision.
My first week in Bristol was one of the hardest I have had in a while. Unfortunately for me, I was the only one of the 3 people living in my flat to arrive when I did, so while the rest of my building (and seemingly the rest of Bristol) were meeting their flatmates, spending their nights at flat parties or out at Lakota or Thekla, I was holed up by myself in an empty flat, living solely on pasta and pesto. Needless to say, I was quite unhappy for that first week.
Finally, the next weekend rolled around, and my lovely flatmates moved in! I immediately felt better, as at this point it was just nice to see someone when I walked into the kitchen to make a cup of tea. Or pasta and pesto. That hasn't changed yet. My second week was spent getting to know my flatmates, going to induction lectures and freshers' fairs, and finally experiencing a little of the Bristol nightlife. Now, I would describe my attitude to going out-out as fairly average. I'm not adverse to a good night out, however my anxious disposition can mean that sometimes I literally cannot think of anything worse. Throughout official freshers week, I managed an impressive total of 2 nights out, and 1 trip to the pub. This feels perfectly adequate to me. My favourite night of the week has to have been Saturday night at Propaganda at the Fleece. While I can appreciate that the grime-y thing is a massive thing in Bristol, I've got to admit that it's not really my thing - indie bangers and cheesy pop classics however? Yes please.
My third week, which I'm currently coming to the end of, has mainly consisted of meeting and getting to know the people on my course, and getting to grips with the already overwhelming amount of READING that is involved. I know I shouldn't be surprised - but there is so much I have to READ! That being said, the course modules look insanely interesting and I can't wait to get stuck into them.
In terms of missing home, it was definitely at its most intense during my first week. Being sat in an empty flat in a city that didn't feel like home with no one I knew anywhere near was incredibly difficult. Luckily, though, I was able to see my girlfriend a few times throughout the week. Since meeting my flatmates, starting my course, and getting into routine, though, I've definitely settled in more. I'm still looking forward to heading back to the 'diff in a few weeks though - back over the bridge onto the Welsh soil.
Overall, my first three weeks as a uni student in Bristol have been fairly positive, but not without their difficulties. I'm looking forward to getting properly settled, and seeing where the next 3 years take me!
Saturday, 27 May 2017
change | 27.05.17
I hate change. I absolutely despise the thought of things not being how I've got used to them being. I get so comfortable and safe in that bubble of whatever it is that I can't handle it when it gets taken away. I hate change, and yet right now all I can see is miles and piles of change that stretches out beyond me and I am scared. I have finished college, a place that I have been for two years. I have never changed, grown up, and experienced so much as I did in the two years that I was there, and I don't feel ready to move on to something else as the person that I am now. I've still got exams left, and then I don't know. I don't know what's happening with the rest of my life. I don't know where I'm going to be in September, and I'm going to have to meet new people and make new friends even though I've just got comfortable in the circle that I'm in. We all went to the pub yesterday, and it was the happiest I have felt in a very long time. But today I have woken up and I'm afraid and upset. I don't know what the rest of my life is going to be, and I am scared.
Tuesday, 16 May 2017
18 things I learned by 18
In my short life I have learnt a few things. Here are some of them:
- cutting people out of your life to make you happier does not make you a bad person
- if your shoes get wet in the rain, stuffing them with newspaper will make them dry quicker
- things happen and people make mistakes but that doesn't always mean they are bad people
- life is easier when you're on good terms with people - always try to make amends
- brushing your teeth will always make you feel better
- getting smashed the day before a job interview will not be "fine". IT WON'T
- surround yourself with people who make you happy but also people that make you question things and challenge you when you need challenging
- there are few greater joys in life than going to bed while it's still light outside
- nothing is as important as your mental and physical health, no matter how it seems sometimes
- be kind to people! there is no reason to not be open-minded and welcoming of all people wherever you go
- it's okay to change how you act a bit around different people - different people bring out different parts of you
- everything is much funnier when you narrate the thought process of that seagull over there
- get a haircut. it's fun and refreshing
- spend time with your family, no matter how much you don't want to sometimes
- no one is inherently better than you, and similarly you are not inherently better than anyone else. get to know people
- exams are shit and do not indicate what you're like as an actual human being
- put your pyjamas on the radiator while you're in the bath
- always put time aside for yourself, there's only so much you can do if you haven't taken care of yourself first
Monday, 29 August 2016
yes i'm gay, no you can't watch
Yes
I am gay
No
That does not mean you can ask me
The hows or whys or whats
That does not mean you can use me
To fulfill yourself because another woman
does not want to feel your clawing hands
and your sweaty touch
Yes
I am gay
But that doesn't mean that you can tell me
"I hate gay men but I love lesbians"
It doesn't mean you can pretend to be interested
When all you want is images, material, fantasies
Yes
I'm gay
But that doesn't give you the right
To use me as your alibi
To use me as your proof
"I'm not homophobic, I love lesbians"
Yes
You love lesbians when you're watching their perfectly groomed bodies
Perfectly pitched nosies coming out of their mouths
You love lesbians when they're actors
Pandering to your fantasies and ideas
You do not love gay women when they are walking down the street
Fat women, black women, trans women, old women
Holding hands
Kissing in front of you
You do not love gay women unless they are all
for
you
Yes
I am gay
No
I am not gay for your benefit
Yes
I am gay
No
You can't watch
I am gay
No
That does not mean you can ask me
The hows or whys or whats
That does not mean you can use me
To fulfill yourself because another woman
does not want to feel your clawing hands
and your sweaty touch
Yes
I am gay
But that doesn't mean that you can tell me
"I hate gay men but I love lesbians"
It doesn't mean you can pretend to be interested
When all you want is images, material, fantasies
Yes
I'm gay
But that doesn't give you the right
To use me as your alibi
To use me as your proof
"I'm not homophobic, I love lesbians"
Yes
You love lesbians when you're watching their perfectly groomed bodies
Perfectly pitched nosies coming out of their mouths
You love lesbians when they're actors
Pandering to your fantasies and ideas
You do not love gay women when they are walking down the street
Fat women, black women, trans women, old women
Holding hands
Kissing in front of you
You do not love gay women unless they are all
for
you
Yes
I am gay
No
I am not gay for your benefit
Yes
I am gay
No
You can't watch
Sunday, 15 May 2016
Standardised Testing? hmm no thanks
Hello! It has been some time since I last posted on here, for some reason I couldn't log in :(((
Tomorrow is my first AS level exam, and I have some MAJOR ISSUES with the concept of standardised testing.
Firstly, and most obviously, it seems absolutely absurd to me that exams done from the age of around 15 should more or less determine our path in life, at least for the few years following. It does not make even the slightest bit of sense to me that what I wrote on one exam paper on one day aged 14 is still having an effect, albeit a small one, on the path of my education.
If the sheer stupidity of basing life-paths on a couple of exam papers isn't reason enough for me to hate standardised testing, why don't we talk about the fact that e v e r y b o d y i s d i f f e r e n t. To ask every single child to take the same test to measure intelligence, is like asking a fish and a monkey to climb a tree. Not everybody has the same skill set and therefore asking everyone to take the same test is bizarre and pointless.
There are children and teenagers who are fantastically kind, or who have a great sense of humour, or who help their Mum look after their Gran, or who have an incredible aptitude for dance, or who love to bake, but none of this can ever be shown through exams and tests. One GCSE Maths exam will show you two things: who is good at Maths, and who isn't.
Finally, any situational factors in the child's life are, unless specifically addressed, completely ignored. For example, I took every one of my GCSE exams, and will be taking my A Level exams, with a mental health disorder. I also happen to know that this had a hugely detrimental effect on the outcome of my exams. However, this was, in the eyes of the exam board, ignored, and my exam results were put next to those of some pupils who maybe have not had the same issues. It is not fair to treat every student as if they all live identical lives to one another (hint: they don't).
If we flip this on its head, it's fairly apparent (to me, anyway) that standardised testing and mental health issues are not mutually exclusive. The constant focus on exam results and coursework and qualifications throughout school cannot be having a healthy effect on most children, and while I clearly don't want to make any sweeping generalisations, it seems to me that the current schooling system (in the UK) is hugely debilitating to the mental health of school pupils.
The whole concept of standardised testing just seems to be so unproductive, pointless, and demeaning to school children's self-confidence.
That being said, I hope my exam goes well tomorrow.
Menna x
Tomorrow is my first AS level exam, and I have some MAJOR ISSUES with the concept of standardised testing.
Firstly, and most obviously, it seems absolutely absurd to me that exams done from the age of around 15 should more or less determine our path in life, at least for the few years following. It does not make even the slightest bit of sense to me that what I wrote on one exam paper on one day aged 14 is still having an effect, albeit a small one, on the path of my education.
If the sheer stupidity of basing life-paths on a couple of exam papers isn't reason enough for me to hate standardised testing, why don't we talk about the fact that e v e r y b o d y i s d i f f e r e n t. To ask every single child to take the same test to measure intelligence, is like asking a fish and a monkey to climb a tree. Not everybody has the same skill set and therefore asking everyone to take the same test is bizarre and pointless.
There are children and teenagers who are fantastically kind, or who have a great sense of humour, or who help their Mum look after their Gran, or who have an incredible aptitude for dance, or who love to bake, but none of this can ever be shown through exams and tests. One GCSE Maths exam will show you two things: who is good at Maths, and who isn't.
Finally, any situational factors in the child's life are, unless specifically addressed, completely ignored. For example, I took every one of my GCSE exams, and will be taking my A Level exams, with a mental health disorder. I also happen to know that this had a hugely detrimental effect on the outcome of my exams. However, this was, in the eyes of the exam board, ignored, and my exam results were put next to those of some pupils who maybe have not had the same issues. It is not fair to treat every student as if they all live identical lives to one another (hint: they don't).
If we flip this on its head, it's fairly apparent (to me, anyway) that standardised testing and mental health issues are not mutually exclusive. The constant focus on exam results and coursework and qualifications throughout school cannot be having a healthy effect on most children, and while I clearly don't want to make any sweeping generalisations, it seems to me that the current schooling system (in the UK) is hugely debilitating to the mental health of school pupils.
The whole concept of standardised testing just seems to be so unproductive, pointless, and demeaning to school children's self-confidence.
That being said, I hope my exam goes well tomorrow.
Menna x
Sunday, 9 August 2015
Roaccutane: 6 Months On
Hello!
A few months ago, I wrote a post on how I had cleared my skin of fairly bad acne (which you can view here).
In it, I explained that I had been prescribed a strong medication that had a range of difficult and severe side effects, including dry skin, dry lips, and aching muscles.
It has now been around 6 months since I finished taking my course of Roaccutane, and I thought some people may find it helpful to know how I have found the first 6 months.
A few months ago, I wrote a post on how I had cleared my skin of fairly bad acne (which you can view here).
In it, I explained that I had been prescribed a strong medication that had a range of difficult and severe side effects, including dry skin, dry lips, and aching muscles.
It has now been around 6 months since I finished taking my course of Roaccutane, and I thought some people may find it helpful to know how I have found the first 6 months.
Friday, 3 July 2015
Saturday, 6 June 2015
Summer
With only one exam left, summer 2015 is quickly creeping up on me.
My last ever (!!) GCSE exam is English Language Unit 2 on Tuesday, and then I am free forever (until September). I am, once again, taking part in my school's annual production, so I'll be in school for a week or two after exams finish.
On June 23rd I'm going to London with school to see Matilda and Wicked in the West End. The London trip is always one of my favourite things of the year and I can't wait go to again.
At the end of July I'm flying to Portugal with my family, which I am so excited about as we haven't been on holiday in a few years, and it's always fun when we do.
The prospect of having a 12-week-long summer is both exciting and daunting to me, as I am looking forward to having a lot of spare time to relax, see friends and family, and (of course), catch up on TV shows, but I worry that I won't be able to fill the time and I'll get bored.
Leaving school is a very odd concept to me, and it's safe to say that I'm extremely nervous about starting a new college in September. However, I know that I will hopefully enjoy it once I'm there, and I'm going to make the most of this summer.
Just a short one,
Menna
My last ever (!!) GCSE exam is English Language Unit 2 on Tuesday, and then I am free forever (until September). I am, once again, taking part in my school's annual production, so I'll be in school for a week or two after exams finish.
On June 23rd I'm going to London with school to see Matilda and Wicked in the West End. The London trip is always one of my favourite things of the year and I can't wait go to again.
At the end of July I'm flying to Portugal with my family, which I am so excited about as we haven't been on holiday in a few years, and it's always fun when we do.
The prospect of having a 12-week-long summer is both exciting and daunting to me, as I am looking forward to having a lot of spare time to relax, see friends and family, and (of course), catch up on TV shows, but I worry that I won't be able to fill the time and I'll get bored.
Leaving school is a very odd concept to me, and it's safe to say that I'm extremely nervous about starting a new college in September. However, I know that I will hopefully enjoy it once I'm there, and I'm going to make the most of this summer.
Just a short one,
Menna
Sunday, 31 May 2015
Friday, 10 April 2015
Bucket List
Hello,
When I was 13/14 I wrote a bucket list of 145 things, that I still like to look back on and tick things off. Although there are many things on the list that I would still like to do, it's pretty evident that my aspirations have changed a lot. I came across this list again the other night, and I thought I would write a more updated (more realistic?) bucket list.
Bucket List 11/4/15
When I was 13/14 I wrote a bucket list of 145 things, that I still like to look back on and tick things off. Although there are many things on the list that I would still like to do, it's pretty evident that my aspirations have changed a lot. I came across this list again the other night, and I thought I would write a more updated (more realistic?) bucket list.
Bucket List 11/4/15
Friday, 3 April 2015
March In Photos
Hello!
Sorry I haven't been posting recently, in all honesty I've been completely out of ideas. March came and went so quickly, I can hardly believe we're almost a quarter of the way through this year. March definitely had its ups and downs, so here is my month in photos!
Sorry I haven't been posting recently, in all honesty I've been completely out of ideas. March came and went so quickly, I can hardly believe we're almost a quarter of the way through this year. March definitely had its ups and downs, so here is my month in photos!
Friday, 20 March 2015
The Versatile Blogger Award
Hello!
I was nominated to do the Versatile Blogger award by Elerin, whose blog is Nighttime Birdie. Being nominated for this was a huge surprise as I have only recently got properly into blogging, and I didn't think anyone actually read it, so thank you so much for the nomination Elerin!
I was nominated to do the Versatile Blogger award by Elerin, whose blog is Nighttime Birdie. Being nominated for this was a huge surprise as I have only recently got properly into blogging, and I didn't think anyone actually read it, so thank you so much for the nomination Elerin!
Tuesday, 17 March 2015
How I Cleared My Skin
Hello everyone!
From the age of around 11 or 12 I have struggled with bad skin. What began as a few 'teenage spots' on my face when I was younger, eventually became bad acne covering my face and back/chest by the time I was 14/15.
From the age of around 11 or 12 I have struggled with bad skin. What began as a few 'teenage spots' on my face when I was younger, eventually became bad acne covering my face and back/chest by the time I was 14/15.
Monday, 2 March 2015
February Favourites
Hello all!
I can't believe it's already March! I've never done a favourites post before, but you've got to start somewhere! Here are my February favourites.
I can't believe it's already March! I've never done a favourites post before, but you've got to start somewhere! Here are my February favourites.
Sunday, 15 February 2015
Birthday Wishlist
In a few weeks it's my 16th birthday, and a few days ago my mum asked me to compile a list of what I wanted, so I thought I'd share a couple of the things with you.
Wednesday, 11 February 2015
About a Boy - Nick Hornby review
As I said in my 'Books to Read in 2015' post, I wanted to finish reading About a Boy by Nick Hornby.I finally finished reading it this evening, so I thought I would write a short review sharing what I thought of it!
Saturday, 7 February 2015
Quick Update
Hello!
I haven't posted in a week or so now due to a number of things, but I just wanted to let you all know that I'm alive, and planning to do some posts soon! I've had a lot of stuff on recently which has meant I've been feeling quite stressed and overwhelmed so I've struggled to think of things to write about recently, but I think I've finally thought of few things that might be good.
Thanks for reading, I'll be back with something better soon!
Menna
I haven't posted in a week or so now due to a number of things, but I just wanted to let you all know that I'm alive, and planning to do some posts soon! I've had a lot of stuff on recently which has meant I've been feeling quite stressed and overwhelmed so I've struggled to think of things to write about recently, but I think I've finally thought of few things that might be good.
Thanks for reading, I'll be back with something better soon!
Menna
Thursday, 29 January 2015
Relaxation Techniques and Tips
As I've mentioned before, I often have trouble staying calm and relaxing, and I don't allow myself much time to wind down and not think about anything, so I thought I'd write a post on ways to stay relaxed and calm, in case anybody struggles with a similar thing!
Sunday, 25 January 2015
5 Books to Read in 2015
Good evening!One of my resolutions for this year was to read 20 books. I know that this doesn't sound like a lot, and it isn't really, but I didn't read nearly enough books in 2014. When I was younger, I used to read every night before I went to bed, and at lunchtimes at school. However, since I've had more schoolwork (and access to the internet), I don't read anywhere near as much as I'd like to.
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